Lost

I've recently noticed that i'm quite lucky to still be here. Even after what has happened through my course of life, some people had been through far worse that i could have ever imagined. I failed to realize, for so many years, how lucky i was..... How desperately i tried to redirect the attention at me when someone else needs it more. From my experiences in life, i've learnt to treasure my friends. all of them. but have i treasured enough? have i given the best that i could offer to them? instead of hoarding all for myself? i've asked myself these questions but i dare not answer.

My best isn't enough. My motivation had gone with time, whenever it will return, 'soon' is the answer i am hoping for. sometimes laughing at my own mistakes. not caring for my own pride and humility. but even so, i'm turning into a sadist. and a bad one. faces change upon the words that exit my mouth, those words, some harsh, painful in their own unique way. Ever so heart breaking, but never revealing. i apologize for all the souls and spirits that i have broken, the pain that i have brought. I know that this isn't enough to repay for what i've done, or to repent the sins that i made, it is the least that i could do. rather than doing nothing.

Ha ha... am i still human? am i..... still capable of showing, true emotions? standing at the edges of humanity. i have not lost it.... no, i have not..... i have..... let go of it.... released it on my own free will.... nothing but imitations.... i am a fraud.... i am no one. my insides.... filled with the present memories of my only friends. my only mother. please.... you are all that i have left.... don't leave me..... or, i will become empty...... nothing but a doll.... with false feelings and a mechanical heart.

i don't know what i am saying anymore.... someone.....anyone..... save me from the depths of insanity. To those whom are living in hell, how do you survive? please, enlighten me... i want to know. how to survive in this world of pure chaos. what am i saying..... i don't know..... am i confused? i hope i am. i'm sorry..... i'm so so sorry....