' True ' details about NINJA

If you're trying to find a ninja, (make sure you have a written will and you've said goodbye to everybody you love, unless you can bribe a ninja or beg him to be your slave) these are the places they're most commonly found, how do I know? Well let's just say I've lost a lot of interns

Behind you

In front of you 

In the shadows of you and your loved ones 
The tree in your backyard 
Inside your mind 
In small villages 
In your bath tub (under the bubbles!) 
In your clock 
Anywhere you can't see 
In this spot | | (whilst you looked at this spot, you got pwnt by the ninja. Bad luck 
Behind your computer monitor, OH DEAR LORD RUN!!!!! 
Michigan 
In Japan (Only attempt to go there if you really, really want to get killed, by a ninja.) 
In your PJs, waiting to shnoof you. 
In your pants

Ninji tend to send us codes of what they are planning to do to you; however, most humans simply cannot comprehend these messages with their feeble brains. Here are a few that we have taken the liberty to translate for you. 
You "see" a Ninja somewhere = Prepare to die 
A Ninja makes eye contact with you = Prepare to die 
You are performing your daily routine like a good cyborg does = Prepare to die. 
A ninja shakes your hand = Have a nice day... then you're going to die. 
Other = Prepare to be mutilated (long, fancy way ninji say prepare to die) 
You come home to find a ninja reading the paper and using your toilet = You can't knock on the freakin door? Prepare to die. 
You see an innocent-looking old man walking toward you, desperately asking you for help = Run if you want, but he'll catch you up anyway. (Ninji usually disguise themselves as old men, which increases their cool factor) 
A Ninja finds you playing Naruto: Rise of A Ninja = Prepare to Die and then the Ninja will beat the game in less then 4.34 seconds. 
A Ninja flips you off = Same as above and below 
You do NOT see a ninja = Prepare to die 
If you don't know where a fart came from = prepare to die. 
If you are a ninja = Prepare to kill someone. 
You smell something horrible = Prepare to die, this ninja does not bathe 
If a ninja sees you playing Ninja Gaiden on the Xbox 360 = Prepare to die multiple times, then the ninja will swiftly take your Xbox 360, as a trophy 
You have seen a premonition = Prepare to die (freak accident involving a ninja) 
A ninja takes you out for dinner = Prepare to dine in hell. 
You write this sentence = prepare to d--- 
You attempt to speak with ninji with a "naruto" accent = prepare to die. Believe it!

If you hear a ninja make noise, do not assume that they were sneaking and accidentally did so. You will NEVER hear a ninja accidentally make a noise. Not even a fart. If you are hearing a noise, you may nonetheless stand a chance of surviving. Ninji, like bears, will only threaten you in self defence, or if they're really pissed off. If you HAVE really pissed off a ninja (in which case there's no hope), then either A) you are a Samurai and already know this or B) you are a pirate and have stolen this computer. Please return this computer to its original owner. 

Common ninja noises: 
Kua-chaaiii -- You're f***ed. 
Hiii-waaaaaaa -- You're f***ed. 
D'wooooOOOO -- This ninja has to take a dump, bad, and you have been generally allotted two seconds to get away from between him and the bathroom. Or else you're f***ed. 
Wa-zatiii! -- EITHER It's okay, he's only going to kill your family OR You're f***ed. 
Yee-HAH -- This ninja will horribly mutilate you, but not kill you. 
Haaaaaaaah -- This ninja just wet his pants. Act like you didn't notice, or you're f***ed. 
Huahhh? --Tell him quick how to get to Amsterdam- or you're f***ed. 
Believe It! --This is not a Ninja, this is a dumbass blondie trying to be a Ninja. 
Dattebayo --This is also not a Ninja, this is a noob in an orange jumpsuit trying to be a ninja. (Will occur only in Japan.) 

ARGH! -- That is a pirate, not a ninja. If the "ninja" just made that noise, click here for advice - QUICKLY! 
Here's your pizza, dude. - Answer the door and pay for your pizza. Unless you were just ABOUT to order, in which case it is obviously a temporal ninja. The correct course of action here is to pay a double tip for the pizza (or else you're f***ed). 
Ho ho ho! - This ninja (disguised as Santa Claus) will be coming in your house, go down the chimney and dceliver your presents in 10 seconds. Stay asleep, act like nothing happened and don't creep downstairs to spy on him or you're f***ed (which means he'll throw hot deadly coals at you).